Hi! I was talking to someone a few days ago about my plans for the future, and they said something very interesting: “Mara, your life isn’t starting four years from now. And when you’re in college, it’s not starting four years from then. And when you’re out of college, your life won’t start five or ten years from then. Your life is now.“
I just thought it was an interesting concept. One thing that I think sucks about being a grown-up is that you can’t say “When I grow up, I’ll…” How are we supposed to become the grown-ups we want to be? How are we supposed to shape our lives to be something we want to live? Is there any way to become someone who never wishes they could still say “When I grow up”? Once again I’m returning to the question of the future. With how much I’ve written about it, you’d think the topic would be exhausted. But it’s what is on my mind constantly, so I suppose it’s unavoidable.
Who will I be when I grow up? I’m already growing up, but where will I be at the end? It’d be really nice if there a map for life, with a sticker that says “You are here.” And then you find directions from that spot to wherever you want to be. What would the directions be like, I wonder? Would they say “Do your homework really well and apply for ___ scholarship at ___ college” or “Turn left at the next street for a chance encounter with a person who will deeply affect your life” or “There are routes A, B, and C. Route A takes five years, route B takes seven years and three months, and route C takes ten years and eight days. Which route would you like to take?”
In a way, it would be simpler. But I suppose that just living and seeing where you’re carried could be considered simpler too. I don’t often feel the need to micro-manage things. But with life, stepping into my future feels like getting into a boat and saying “Oh, I wonder what shore I’ll wash up on.” And sometimes it terrifies me. I guess that’s why the person saying “Your life is now” stuck with me. I’m already in that boat. And… it’s not that bad. Actually, I’m just fine. Is it actually safe to say “I trust that everything will work out” ? Can I really do that? I don’t know….
Okay, enough of that. We’ve been having quarterly tests, and I memorized a 3/4-inch-thick stack of flashcards for my History test, just to find I was over-prepared. It was… sad. But hopefully it means I’ll get a good grade on the test. I’m starting to realize just how much I love music, which is good. I’m going to be starting ballet (it’s a beginner class for teenagers, which is cool) since Su. is already in the class and P. said she’d join. So I’m excited about that. And I’m actually starting to go to sleep before midnight now, which is good. And… I made sweets (with friends) and went to the library (with friends) and played tennis (with friends) and talked (with friends) all day. Which was awesomely awesome-ish and has left me in a very good mood.
Hugs and Cookies,
Mara
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