“If you sit down with the pure intention to meditate, whatever happens next is none of your business. So why are you judging your experience?”
This quote has been on my mind a lot lately, mostly because it’s summer. What does summer have to do with it? Well, summer, by definition, means that school is not in session. And if school is not in session, then I have no homework (or, well, very little homework). And if I have no homework… then I have time.
And if I have time, then I can devote it to things that I actually care about, such as learning Japanese and doing yoga and writing. So how does this relate to the quote? One minute, I’m getting to that.
The problem with doing things that I actually care about, though… is that, well, I care about them. My dedication matters. My effort matters. My progress matters. My results matter, my performance matters. Which means that I’m judging myself left and right, because everything matters. See examples:
In yoga: Shouldn’t my leg go higher than this? Why can’t I balance in this pose? No, my spine should move that way! (When clearly, it shouldn’t, because it isn’t. And it hurts.)
In Japanese: How can I have messed up those two words? Why haven’t I finished learning the alphabet by now? I learned this, so why. Can’t. I. Remember. It?!
In writing: Show more dedication! Come on, it shouldn’t take that long to write a measly 300 words! This is pathetic!
Writing is the worst, by far. I have so many issues and complexes around writing (a few of which I’ve shared here, several of which are so convoluted and strange that even my diary isn’t privy to them, much less a living person). I mentioned this to my mom once, and she replied with:
“Well of course you have issues around what you’ve decided to devote your life to. People who have devoted their lives to their family and children have tons of family and child issues. People who have devoted their lives to climbing the corporate ladder have issues around that. Your life’s work defines you — how can you NOT have issues around it?”
Point taken.
Recently, though, with the incredible influx in anxiety, I keep finding myself coming back to that quote, which I read a long time ago in the book Eat Pray Love. Whenever my anxiety makes me want to freeze up, or hit something (or both), I tell myself a version of it.
For yoga: Get on the mat with the pure intention to do yoga. Everything else is beyond your control.
For Japanese: Study with the pure intention to learn the language. No matter what the results are, you’re doing the right thing.
And for writing: Sit your butt down with the pure intention to write. You have no responsibility for whatever happens next.
See the pattern?
It was a hard thing for me to absorb originally, closet-control-freak that I am. When I finally sit down and get to work, I want to see results. And if I don’t see them, I tend to get a bit upset. But when I finally realized that my harping on results, results, results was giving me a miniature panic attack whenever I went to start writing or assessed my day and decided that I hadn’t used my time efficiently (a sadly common occurrence), I knew that it had to stop. That was when sitting down and letting go became my mantra. When I finally realized how much I’d been repeating it to myself recently, I decided that I would to share it, just in case there were any other control freaks out there who might find it useful. You might not need it. But for those of you who do, I hope you find it to be at least a little bit helpful.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my rambling and strange post. If you sat through it, I’ll be genuinely surprised, but here’s a fun fact: it’s the shortest one on this blog.
-M
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