I seem to have a love affair with new beginnings.
New schools, new countries, new languages, new stories, new notebooks. I have a long-standing crush on possibility. And I’ve had it for a while — if you go back to the very first post on this blog, you’ll find that it’s titled “New Beginnings.” I think I started this blog the summer before my first year of high school. It’s now the summer before my first year of college, and I’m having the same desire to start everything new.
Granted, I’ve often had the desire to start everything new. Not necessarily the desire to start everything over, but simply to look back at the past and definitively say “That was then, but this is now.” To wipe all of my old habits and assumptions away and simply try again. And while I have had a few of these chances recently — the chance to finish high school, the chance to go to Tokyo, the chance to start college in a few weeks — I’ve started to realize that the type of new beginning I’m constantly craving has two separate parts.
1) A physical change.
Something tangible in my life has to change. Now, this could be a big change, like moving across the country. Or it could be a small change, like cleaning my room and vowing that it will stay clean this time for sure, gosh darn it. It could even be something like “I’m going to wear perfume every day from now on.” Something that affects my life every day has to occur, because I need a signal that things are different. It’s like reading a book — the physical change is my chapter break.
2) A mental change.
Quite simply, I need to feel like I’m actually making a new start. I need to feel ready to look at all of my old mistakes and habits and tell them “Look, I realize you were a part of me at one point. But you can’t be anymore. I’m sorry, but I hear that the retirement package is very nice, and I hope you send me a postcard from Bali or Hawaii or wherever you end up settling. You just can’t go where I’m going. Is that clear?” Because moving to a foreign country, I’ve discovered, isn’t enough to naturally give you a fresh start. You need to put in the mental effort to say “This is going to mark a change in my life.”
I’ve been thinking about new beginnings because I’ll be starting college in a little bit less than a month, where I’ll be provided with the ultimate chapter break. I’ll be in a new city, at a new school, with new people, studying new things. So who do I want to try to become in this new setting?
When I was in high school, I created an image of a girl that I wanted to be. And, for the most part, I’ve become her. But I’ve never been satisfied with just saying “Well, I like who I am. I might as well stay this way.” Don’t get me wrong, I do like who I am. But I have no interest in becoming a static character in my life’s story.
I don’t really know what goals I want to set for myself in college yet. I don’t know who I want to become yet. But it’s fun to think about. This love of beginnings is probably why I like butterflies so much, I think. Gaining wings is the ultimate new beginning, don’t you think?
My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing. – Proust
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