I don’t know what to write. I’ve started posts like this before, simply announcing my utter lack of inspiration on how the heck I’m supposed to waste 500 words. Remember that part of The Phantom Tollbooth, when the dog gets mad at the boy for “killing” time? That’s sort of like what I’m doing right now. Killing words. But there don’t seem to be any dogs who care enough to come tell me off for it, so I’ll just keep filling up space, shall I? High school is… okay… I guess…. I could deal with the academic pressure more easily if I weren’t dealing with social pressure as well. I miss having friends, and at the moment I can’t find any people who seem like they’d be good friends. So I’m seriously considering transferring. I think the best test as to whether or not I should transfer is a question Su. asked me:
“Will you miss it?” (she was referring to the school).
And I didn’t really know the answer. Is there anything to miss that really matters, at this point? I haven’t got the slightest idea. And it bugs me. I keep telling myself I have to wait and see how things play out, but it’s excruciating. I never really thought that I’d describe myself as an impatient person, but I am. Got that? Repeat after me: Mara is an impatient person. Good, class. You all get a hundred percent.
Can you tell that my brain is immersed in school right now? I can tell that no matter which school I go to, by senior year, my life will center around school. I guess that’s a part of growing up. Different things shift to the center of your life at different parts of your life. Play, school, work…. You know what really annoys me about growing up? It takes so much to make peace with it, it seems so very, very important, and then you realize that every single person on the planet has gone through it too.
The flow of time seems so very unrealistic. I wonder why human beings developed our current perception of time. Because if you think about it, the idea of how our memories “remember” is extremely odd. Honestly, how did our species come by this system? You experience something and it can be short or long, and then you look back on it and it seems so very, very, very short. Where did last year go? It went by in a series of days that each held its own points, each had its own dragging minutes and hours, its own interactions… and yet last year seems like it flew by in a matter of moments.
It almost makes me want to sit down for an hour every day and write about what happened, just to prove that each day happened, each day was separate, each day was important. Just to have something to hold onto and look back on with concrete evidence when wondering “where did last week/month/year go?” Almost. But not quite. I don’t think I could make myself. I couldn’t even remember to write last week, I don’t even want to think about what would happen if I tried every day.
I’m not rereading this, because I’m afraid of what I’ll see if I do. So if this post is terrible… blame the gremlins. The evil, evil gremlins. Yes, I’m insane. Deal with it.
If you really want to, you can seize the day. Only if you want to, will you fly away. – Only If, Enya
Mara
P.S. I’m reading The Mists of Avalon, and it’s really good!
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