I am a mushroom.
Do not underestimate me, for all that I am a fungus.
You don’t, you say? You respect me? I doubt it, considering that you nearly stepped on me. Where I come from, you don’t show respect for someone by stepping on them. Maybe where you come from, but I doubt it. And even if that were true, you’d need to show some cultural sensitivity. Didn’t you read that part of your guidebook? You know, the bit where it says “When in Wonderland, it’s impolite to step on mushrooms,” or at least, “It’s considered rude to step on sentient beings.” Surely it said that, at least? I can’t believe the quality of the Wonderland Tourism Bureau has fallen that far. They’re supposed to approve all the guidebooks before they’re published, you know.
You didn’t get a guidebook? What kind of traveler are you, coming unprepared like that? Oh, I bet you’re one of those free-wheeling spirits who just likes to see where the wind blows them, aren’t you? Well in that case, let me give you some advice. And because I’m a very forgiving and generous mushroom, I won’t even make you pay me for it. Yes, you should be very grateful. The box-creatures bow to me, you know.
But anyways, about that advice: to get through your stay in Wonderland with minor mishaps, keep your eyes open. If someone offers you tea, always say yes. And if you happen to find a top hat, put it on your head immediately. Why? Common sense. Everything goes better if you’re wearing a top hat.
What? You said you got here by mistake? Fell down a rabbit hole, you said? Need to get back home? Well, that’s hardly my problem. Anyways, if you’re looking for a way out of here, I’m afraid I can’t help. I’m a mushroom, after all.
Don’t forget what I said about the top hat, though. And please, be more careful about where you step. I’d hate to hear about one of my cousins being crushed and know that it’s your fault. I’d have to send the box-creatures after you.
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